Science

How well would you do in an 8th grade science class?
Test.


An aside, there’s not much biology, which would stand to reason I guess; I don’t remember much biology or genetics until 9th grade. If there had been more I think my score would have been much higher. I am impressed at the amount of testing on global warming and thought behind renewable energy. Much more than when I was in junior high.

So, here’s how I did:




Entirely unrelated:
Thanks for the letter Zoe, it was a welcome way to start the day.

The Year of Magical Thinking

So, I just finished reading this book "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion, at the recommendation of my doctor. The woman who wrote this book lost a lot more than I did. She lost her husband of forty years in about as much time as takes to say it. Her daughter was in the ICU at the time, in a very precarious position as well. She endured more stress than any one person should ever have to.

I learned some interesting things from this book. Some of what I've been feeling since my dad died makes a bit more sense to me, and I feel less crazy knowing that I'm not the only one thinking some of the thoughts that have run through my head. However, something that I took from the book, which I'm sure wasn't the intent at all, was that getting close to people will surely result in mind-numbing pain.

Kinda fucked up.

There's part of me that is searching for something to point a finger at James over, so I can run in the other direction, so I don't end up hurting like this over him. I've already done it, in a sense, to my friends in Hawaii. I did it to my family.

I knew six years ago when my dad had his stroke that his death was eminent. I hate saying that. I hate admitting that I ran partly because I knew I wasn't going to deal well when he was gone. I hate everything that it says about me. I feel like something in my brain is broken right now, and I would give anything to fix it. I don't want to distance myself from the people that love me. I don't want so much anxiety that I have panic attacks at work, and end up locked in the bathroom hyperventilating. I don't want to feel sick every time I eat a few bites of anything.

I wonder though; how much loss can a person take before they break entirely. What made Joan Didion strong enough to bear the loss of her other half with no warning at all? Did she feel like her mind was broken? Does she feel now like it's mending? These are things I wish I could ask her. In her book, there were things she couldn't bring herself to do because it made her husband being gone real. She couldn't throw out his shoes, she couldn't turn the page in his dictionary, in case he would need to know the last thing he looked up. I'm being pushed to make decisions about a memorial service and wake for my father. Even though he's gone, and my brother has his ashes, I think perhaps having a memorial service will mean he's gone for real. It will mean I have to delete his email address from my list. It will mean I should delete his phone number from my phone.

I know in my head that he's gone. I just wonder how long before I don't feel quite so broken inside over it.

PIctures

Obituary

My father's remains were cremated on Friday. I think I'll be flying out to be with my brother and his family on Thursday evening or Friday morning of this week. I think I need it for me more than he needs me there. It will be the first time James will meet my family. Kinda sucky circumstances, and one of my few regrets with regards to my father is that he and James never got to spend any time together.

This will be going into the paper in Portales, NM, and Omaha, NE. I wrote it at the request of my Aunt Debbie, and I've had a lot of people proofread it now. I suppose mostly I'm putting it here for my own purposes.

"Thomas Paul Husted passed away on February 19, 2008, at the age of 51. He died of a stroke in Lubbock, Texas while visiting his brother. Tom was born to John Husted and June Husted York on March 18, 1956 in Omaha, Nebraska. He lived his childhood and early adult years in Nebraska, and moved with his family to Kansas in 1985. His final move was to Hot Springs, Arkansas, to be near his grandsons. Tom is survived by his daughter Rita Husted Scott, his son Michael Husted, his older brother Harold Walrath, his two older sisters Deborah Wyscarver and Kristine Lemmon, and three grandsons, Dillon, Carter and Morgan, as well as extended family and many close friends. His ashes will remain in the care of his immediate family. Memorial donations may be sent to the American Diabetes Association in honor of Thomas Husted."

Dad

Dear Dad,
I am going to miss you so much. I know you understand how much I love you, and I know you understood why I left. I just wish I could have been there, I wish I could have protected you- even if from yourself.
You taught me so much. I got my coffee habit from you. I remember as a kid watching you and mom drink coffee everyday and thinking how I would never do that. Now, as I sit here drinking my coffee there's a part of me that smiles, even through my tears. I learned how to do the right thing from you, even when it's not always the easiest thing to do. I learned how to be snarky and sarcastic from you, and I inheireted my love of folk music from you.
I hope you know how much I enjoyed those nights that we sat out on your deck with the music a bit too loud and just talked. I loved our trips for Ice Cream, and I love you so much for supporting my decision to move thousands of miles away, even though it meant leaving you behind.
Thank you for helping me to design that poster for the school carnival when I was in fourth grade, it totally should have won. Thank you for walking me down the aisle when I got married, and for letting me sleep at your house when I got divorced. Thank you for being my patient when I was in school and was going to get an F for the day. Thank you for every time you've saved my ass. I am so sorry that you never got to meet James, you would enjoy his company so much, you two are birds of the same feather.
I could fill a book with good memories, and I love that. Thank you for being such a good friend. I love you so much.

With more love than you can imagine,
Your daughter and friend

Interesting

I think it's kind of interesting that I've lived in:
The land of Oz (Kansas)
The rainbow state (Hawaii)
The Emerald City (Seattle, WA)

Maybe I should have been named Dorothy; or I deserve a pair of ruby slippers at the very least.



If you could only have 10 CD's for the rest of all time, what would they be?

Give Up from The Postal Service
Discovery from Daft Punk
Those are two of mine. I don't actually have a whole list compiled yet, but I'm pretty sure those would both be on it.

The Emerald City

James and I have been in Seattle for a week now. We found an apartment the day after we got here, which has been both a huge blessing and a gigantic pain in the ass, as new apartments generally are. The apartment has pretty much everything we wanted, gas stove, bathtub, two bedrooms, fireplace, and pets are allowed. Street parking for now, but so far that's been pretty easy, unlike Honolulu. I'll put some pictures up once our stuff arrives- we've even got a view of Puget Sound and the Olympic mountains. I think once summer rolls around we'll have a great place, it has a HUGE balcony that will be so awesome for eating dinner on. (Parties too, if we ever make any friends.)

I've been offered several jobs so far, but I think I'll ultimately end up taking one in Queen Anne. James has had a couple of job interviews, and one that seems pretty promising at Progressive Tech. We're completely without furniture or internet in our place. We come down to the coffee shop in our building to drink coffee and steal internet. Actually, everyone here has been pretty great, they even send food home with us at the end of the day.

I miss Hawaii. It's impossible to miss anytime someone asks me about Hawaii, I light up and talk almost non-stop. I think that will get easier, but I am awfully homesick right now. Q and Matt are talking about a spring break adventure reunion here, which would be extremely cool. (This is open to anyone who wants to come, so long as you don't mind sleeping on floorspace in our apartment.) Of course I miss the weather, and the sun, but mostly I just miss my friends.


I got a cold as soon as we got here, but it resolved pretty quickly. Now James has one. We get internet on Monday, so today and tomorrow should be it in terms of extremely slow boring weekends. I'll start getting paid next week, which means the end of this being as broke as two people can possibly be. We may even have enough money by next weekend to buy a bed! It was almost 50 degrees today, which really isn't bad unless the wind is blowing. If it's nice again tomorrow I want to go out and take some pictures.


We live about a mile and a half from the Space Needle, for anyone who was wondering, though we haven't actually gone over there yet.