Xanax

I took my CPR cert. class today. It's been a while since I've had to do it in person, and I think it was probably good for me. However, I discussed and thought about my dad a lot. When he had his first stroke six years ago it was the first time I'd ever been required to employ any of my CPR and BLS knowledge. It was also one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I thought my dad was going to die that night. I was alone with him and that single thought until the paramedics arrived. He didn't die physically, but he was never the same either. My father, and best friend, was a different person when he regained consciousness. So, even though he was alive, I had to get to know someone else, care for his health, and grieve the loss of the dad I knew. He died almost a year ago now. I had panic attacks frequently when he first died. I rarely have them any more. However, today, after being forced to consider so many things that I just don't think about on a daily basis any more, I've had a lot of anxiety, and after my second panic attack of the evening I decided to take some xanax. I haven't had to do that in months. I miss my dad so much. I suspect the entire holiday season will be wrought with these pitfalls. I'll get through it, as I really don't have any other choice.

I'm ready for it to be March.

Thanksgiving Menu

Cranberry Sauce with Pinot Noir
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/CRANBERRY-SAUCE-WITH-PINOT-NOIR-4383
Ingredients:
1 tablespoon oil
2 cups cranberries
1 tablespoon ginger (grated)
2 cups Pinot Noir
1 cup sugar
2 tablespoons crystallized ginger (chopped)
1/2 teaspoon curry powder
1 pinch of Chinese five-spice powder

Directions:
1. Heat the oil in a pan.
2. Add the cranberries and ginger and stir until the cranberries begin to burst, about 3-5 minutes.
3. Add the wine and sugar and boil for 15 minutes to reduce.
Stir in the crystallized ginger, curry powder and Chinese five spice powder.

Pear, Brie and Onion Braid
http://onceinabluemooniris.blogspot.com/2008/09/marriage-made-in-heaven.html

puff pastry rectangle
spread down the middle with the following

mustard
caramelized onions with dried cranberries or fresh pomegranate seeds
brie
pear thinly sliced

braid, seal and wash with egg

bake at 450 for 20' until golden
serve warm over salad with balsamic dressing or raspberry vinaigrette

Pumpkin Slices with Spicy Pecan Sauce
http://eatmakeread.com/2008/10/23/pumpkin-slices-with-spicy-pecan-sauce/
1 small pumpkin
1/4 cup butter, melted
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 cup pecans, coarsely chopped
2 teaspoons ricotta cheese
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
Preheat oven to 300°

Cut open pumpkin, divide in half and de-seed it. Slice one of the halves into quarters, the other half will be left over to make puree or whatever you’d like to do with it.
Place the pumpkin on a rimmed baking sheet and pop it in the oven.
In a small bowl, combine the butter, cinnamon, cayenne and pecans. Mix until combined.
Open the oven and pour half the mixture over the pumpkin slices. Set the timer for 20 minutes.
Once the timer goes off, add the remaining mixture and set the timer for another 20 minutes or until the pumpkin slices are soft to the touch.
Mix the ricotta and red pepper flakes together. Top each slice with a dollop of the cheese and serve.

Ha Sikil Pak
Mayan Pumpkin Seed Dip
http://www.applepiepatispate.com/appetizer/pumpkin-seed-dip-sikil-pak/
1 cup unhulled raw pumpkin seeds
1/4 cup raw hulled pumpkin seeds
3 to 6 tomatoes, about 3/4 pound
1 habanero chile, or any fresh green chile such as jalapeño or serrano
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt, or to taste
1/3 to 2/3 cups water
2 tablespoons roughly chopped cilantro
2 tablespoons minced chives
Notes:
* Use any proportion of unhulled to hulled raw pumpkin seeds. In the original recipe, 1 cup of unhulled to 1/4 cup of hulled pumpkin seeds is suggested.

Instructions:

Heat a skillet or wide pan over medium heat. While mixing frequently, toast the unhulled pumpkin seeds until browned and crisp. The amount of time needed depends on the freshness of the pumpkin seeds and may take anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes. Some of the pumpkin seeds will pop.

Once well-browned, add the hulled pumpkin seeds and toast for an additional minute. Set the toasted pumpkin seeds aside and let cool.

In the same skillet, char the chiles and tomatoes while turning frequently until blistered in spots.
Using a food processor or coffee / spice grinder, grind the toasted pumpkin seeds with the salt into a coarse powder and transfer to a serving bowl. Mince the charred chile and set aside.
Blend the charred tomatoes with about 1/3 cup of water. Stir into the pumpkin seed powder and add the cilantro and chives. The consistency should be smooth, resembling a coarser version of hummus or baba ghanoush.

Top with the minced chile. Taste and adjust the seasoning with kosher salt if needed.

Dulce de Leche Pumpkin- Toffee Pie
http://therecipegirl.blogspot.com/2008/11/dulce-de-leche-pumpkin-toffee-pie.html
1 deep dish pie crust (frozen or make your own)
¾ cup canned dulce de leche (about- maybe a little less)
2 large eggs
One 15oz. can of pure pumpkin puree (not pumpkin-pie filling)
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
2 Tbs flour
1 Tbs pure vanilla extract
½ tsp salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
¾ tsp ground ginger
¼ tsp ground nutmeg
12 ounce can evaporated milk
whipped cream and toffee bits for garnish, if desired

Preheat oven to 375°F. Place rack on bottom.
Press piecrust into a deep-dish pie pan (or remove frozen pie crust from freezer).
Scoop dulce de leche into glass bowl and microwave about 20 seconds to soften it up a bit. Spoon dollops of dulce de leche into the piecrust. Evenly spread the caramel all the way to the edges.
Whisk eggs in a medium bowl. Whisk in pumpkin and next 7 ingredients until smooth. Whisk in milk. Pour filling on top of the caramel and place pan on a baking sheet to catch any caramel that may bubble out.
Bake on bottom oven rack for about 50 minutes (center should jiggle just slightly). Cool completely. Garnish with whipped cream and toffee bits, if desired.
Yield: 1 deep dish pie

Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Lemon-Tahini Dressing
http://www.cucinanicolina.com/on-brussels-sprouts-or-a-reluctant-love-letter
Sprouts:
As many as you like, say about 20
olive oil
salt

Sauce:
1/4 cup tahini
3 Tb. lemon juice
1/2 tsp. salt
2-5 Tb. water

Preheat oven to 400 F. Wash the brussels sprouts and cut them in half. Arrange in a large baking dish and drizzle liberally with olive oil. Salt to taste. Put in the oven and roast for about 15-20 minutes until they get a bit soft, but not too blackened.

Meanwhile, whisk the tahini with the lemon juice and salt. Add a bit of water as you like, so the sauce reaches your desired consistency.

Serve the sprouts generously covered with the sauce, or place it alongside.

Deconstructed Holiday Turkey with Sage Gravy
To brine turkey:

* 1 (6 1/2 to 7 pound) turkey breast on the bone
* 3 turkey drumsticks (about 2 1/4 pounds total)
* 2 turkey thighs (about 1 1/2 pounds total)
* 1/4 cup kosher salt
* 1/4 cup honey
* 1 head garlic, cut in half (do not peel)
* 2 dried bay leaves
* 4 sprigs fresh thyme
* 2 large whole sprigs fresh sage
* 2 teaspoons whole black peppercorns
* 2 teaspoons allspice berries
1/4 cup fresh celery leaves (from 1 bunch)
3 quarts apple cider, divided
1 quart cold water

To roast turkey:

* 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
* Leaves from 2 large sprigs sage, plus several whole sprigs for garnish

Glaze:

* 2 cups apple cider
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter

Gravy:

* 3 tablespoons all purpose flour
* 2 tablespoons fresh sage leaves
* 1/4 cup applejack brandy or Calvados
* 1/4 cup whipping cream

Brine turkey:
Rinse turkey parts and place in doubled 2 1/2-gallon resealable plastic bags (or large stockpot). Add salt, honey, garlic, bay leaves, thyme, sage, peppercorns, allspice, and celery leaves. Add enough cold cider and water to cover turkey — about 3 quarts. Press out air, close bags, and place in large bowl or other container to protect against leaks. Refrigerate at least 6 hours or overnight.

For glaze:
Boil cider in saucepan until reduced to 1/4 cup, about 15 minutes. Whisk in butter. Cool completely.

Roast turkey:
Preheat oven to 425°F. Arrange racks in upper and lower thirds of oven.

Remove turkey parts from brine, pat dry with paper towels, and place, skin side up, on racks set in 2 medium roasting pans (be sure to leave space between parts for air circulation). Pour 1 cup water into each pan. Brush all pieces with cider glaze. Place 1 pan on each oven rack and roast until beginning to brown, about 30 minutes. Tent with foil if needed.

Lower heat to 400°F, switch positions of pans, and rotate each pan 180°. Continue roasting until instant-read thermometer inserted into thickest part of breast, avoiding bone, registers 165°, about 1 to 1 1/4 hours. Brush with glaze every 30 minutes, adding up to 1 cup of water to the pan if drippings begin to burn. Transfer turkey parts to platter and tent with foil. Let turkey rest at least 20 minutes before serving.

Make gravy:
Pour pan juices into large measuring cup. Spoon off fat. Reserve 3 tablespoons fat and degreased juices. Pour sage broth into roasting pan. Bring to boil, scraping up browned bits. Combine flour, sage leaves, and reserved 3 tablespoons fat in heavy large saucepan; stir over medium heat 1 minute. Whisk in broth from roasting pan and reserved pan juices. Add applejack and cream and boil until gravy thickens slightly, whisking often, about 4 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Strain into sauceboat. Serve turkey with gravy.

Chocolate Dipped Apple Cider Caramels
http://sugarpunk.wordpress.com/2008/11/09/apple-cider-caramels/
2 c apple cider
Reduce to 1/3 cup, set aside.

2/3 c cream
6 tbsp butter
Heat to boil, then set aside. [Again, I re-heated this just before adding it later. Also, when I make this next time, I'm going to infuse the cream with a cinnamon stick, as these caramels really love having cinnamon with them]

1 1/2 c sugar
1/4 c corn syrup
1/4 water
Cook to light brown
[I have found that my idea of "light brown" and what works with caramel aren't at all the same - I generally heat it to something more like medium-dark amber]

Add cream, butter and reduced apple cider all at once, stirring constantly (it will foam up - use a good size pot).

Cook to 250 degrees, using fairly low heat - you want to take about 10-15 minutes to get it up to temperature. [Now this, I just find to be incorrect. The sooner you can get it up to the mid-range of soft-ball, the better. I do use medium heat, but it has never taken longer than 5 minutes to get to temperature.]

Pour it into a 8 inch square baking pan that’s been lined with two pieces of oiled parchment paper, one in each direction - this creates a “sling” to pull the caramel out of the pan. [This has always resulted in a layer of caramel approximately 1/2 inch thick. If you want thicker caramels you can use a smaller pan.]

[I also sprinkled a little fleur de sel over the caramels at this point, as I find them far too sweet if they don't have a hint of saltiness about them]

[My final step: Cover the pan with plastic wrap, not touching the caramel (it'll melt)]. Wait until entirely cooled. Then cut with a sharp, oiled knife into pieces.

Other menu items that don’t require recipes:
Mashed Potatoes
Long Bread

Menu Planning: How I do it.

Okay, so I've been promising Patrick for a while that I'll go over solid meal planning with him. Instead of just writing an email, I figure I'll post it here, that way anyone who's interested can participate. I'm going to post my entire shopping list for this week, as well as the recipes. I started with a practically empty fridge (I've been lazy the last week or so), so this is a good jump-off spot. It's also a very basic menu, which won't require a lot of spices or extras.


When I menu plan I'm feeding two people, with enough leftovers for lunch the next day. I scale my recipes back so that I'm not making too much food. Every recipe that I post is almost certainly cut in half from an original recipe somewhere. I'll credit if I copy recipes, otherwise they're my own creations. Please read all of the recipes, and amend the shopping list as necessary. My list was based on what I already had at home.
Ready?

Shopping List:
1 red, yellow or orange bell pepper
3 yukon gold potatoes, or similar
Small chunk of fresh ginger (maybe 1")
6-8 tomatillos
1 carrot
2-3 jalepeno peppers
1 serano chile
1 pablano chile
1 bunch green onions
1 small bunch of baby spinach
1 head of garlic
2 yellow onions (I like sweet, like Walla Walla or Vidalia)
1 bunch Italian flat-leaf parsley OR 1 bunch cilantro
herbs: thyme, basil, rosemary, oregano, sage (if you can find a mixed bunch go with that, otherwise you may want to choose just two or three, as herbs can get pricey when purchased individually)
2 limes
1 can black beans
1 can white beans (Cannelli or Navy)
1 can petite diced tomatoes
1 pkg chicken (legs and thighs, approx 1-1.5 lbs)
1/4 lb ground pork (if you can't find this it's okay to omit, you can use the sausage instead if needed)
1.5 lbs ground beef (the cheaper the better, it's fatty, but that can be poured off)
1 pkg sage sausage (Jimmy Dean, or whatever)
1/2 lb steak strips (cut for stir-fry)
1 box crackers (to go with chili, sub rice if you prefer)
1 jar spaghetti sauce
frozen garlic bread slices
pasta- fresh if you can find it, otherwise dry is fine, I got linguine this time

Things you'll need that weren't on my list:
1/2 doz eggs (if you don't have them at home already)
rice (if you don't have it at home already)
Small container of milk if there's none at the house (you won't need much)
Bread crumbs or sliced bread (again, if there's none at the house already)


Once you're home:
divide your beef up into .5 lbs each, to be frozen, if it's not divided already
divide sausage into three equal portions to be frozen


Now I'll remind you of the recipes:
Chicken w/ green sauce and rice
Pasta w/ white beans and sausage
Beef stir-fry w/ rice
Chili and crackers or rice
Meatloaf w/ mashed potatoes
Pasta w/ red meat sauce and garlic bread


Still with me? Here come the recipes. The order in which you do your recipes is up to you. Bear in mind dry, canned and frozen foods have a much longer life than your fresh herbs and produce. Onions and potatoes keep for quite some time, but your peppers and herbs will go fairly fast. For this reason I do my chicken and green sauce pretty early in the week. I listed the recipes in the order I would do them, so that you minimize any fresh food spoilage.


Chicken w/ green sauce
6-8 tomatillos
1/2 the bunch of green onions
1/3 of the bunch of cilantro or parsley
1 lime
1 serrano chile
1 poblano pepper
2-3 cloves of garlic
Salt, pepper
1 large pinch of sugar

remove papers from tomatillos, quarter the poblano (remove seeds, stem and ribs) place under broiler and roast until skin starts to char, and they start to smell good. While those are roasting, roughly chop green onions, cutting off the hairy part at the white end. Throw into blender. (I use the entire green onion, all the way up the green part), roughly chop the serrano, again removing the seeds, stem and ribbing (you might consider latex gloves for this, if you have them, otherwise be very careful about rubbing your eyes because the oil is hot and it will burn). Throw into blender.Lay the three cloves of garlic on the cutting board, and smash with the flat of a knife. (This will remove the papers for you.) Discard papers, roughly mince. Throw in the blender. Cut the lime in half, squeeze juice from each half into the blender. (Run the peels down the garbage disposal, it will make your kitchen smell good.) Tear the leaves off the stems of the cilantro and throw in the blender. When the tomatillos and poblanos are done put them in the blender. Add quite a bit of salt, pepper and the sugar. Blend the hell out of it.
Pour green sauce in a pan, add chicken (4-6 pieces, with skins removed). Cook over med-low heat until the chicken is no longer raw. Serve over rice.



Bucatini ai Fagioli (modified from this recipe )

- serves two -
Ingredients

1/2 pound bucatini or spaghetti
1 can of white beans, with liquid
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 clove garlic, minced
1 handful of mixed herbs (parsley, sage, rosemary), chopped
1 small red pepper, chopped
Parmesan, grated

1. In a large skillet over medium heat, pour in the olive oil. Add the garlic a handful of the mixed herbs. Cook for five minutes. Add the sausage and cook all the way through. Add the beans and chili pepper and cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. If it becomes too dry, add some of the pasta water.

2. Meanwhile, bring a large pot of water to a boil. Toss in the pasta and cook according to the instructions on the box.

3. When the pasta is done, transfer the skillet. Stir until well combined, adding a little pasta water if dry.

4. Remove from the heat. Sprinkle with parmesan, season with salt and pepper, and serve.




Beef Stir-Fry w/ rice (modified from this recipe)

Ingredients

* 3 Tbsp. lime juice, 1 tsp. sugar
* 2 tablespoons soy sauce
* 2 teaspoons cornstarch
* 1 tablespoon canola oil (olive oil or vegetable oil will also be just fine)
* 8 ounces flank steak (this is your sliced steak)
* 1 tablespoon chopped garlic (2 cloves, roughly)
* 2 teaspoons chopped jalapeno pepper, or to taste (1 pepper)
* 1 1/2 teaspoons chopped fresh ginger
* 1/2 bell pepper, rough dice
* 1 6-ounce bag baby spinach
* 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
* 1/2 bunch green onions

Directions

Combine lime juice and sugar, soy sauce and cornstarch in a small bowl.

Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Spread steak out in the pan and cook until seared on one side, about 1 minute. Add garlic, jalapeno, green onion and ginger and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add bell pepper and spinach (the pan will be very full). Pour the lime mixture into the pan and stir gently until the sauce thickens and the spinach is wilted, about 3 minutes. Stir in cilantro and sesame oil. Serve over rice.



Rita's Chili
1/2 lb ground beef, or 1/4 lb ground beef and 1/3 lb sausage
Olive oil
1/4 to 1/2 yellow onion, finely minced
2-3 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 jalepeno pepper, finely minced
herbs of your amount and choosing, finely minced
1/2 bell pepper, small dice
small handful of parsley or cilantro
1 can tomatoes
1 can black beans
seasonings:
chili powder (1/2 to 1 TBSP)
salt
pepper
sugar (pinch)
cumin (maybe 1 tsp, perhaps a bit more)
red pepper flakes (sriracha sauce could be used also, this is just for heat)

Instructions:
In a pan suitable for soup heat olive oil over medium heat, add onion, jalepeno, bell pepper, garlic, and herbs. Saute 5 mins or so, until onions begin to soften up. Add meat, and brown until it's cooked through. Add seasonings of your choosing, in the amounts that you want, until it smells good. Add tomatoes w/ liquid, and beans w/ liquid. Adjust seasonings. Let simmer until you're ready to eat. Serve w/ crackers, or over rice.




Meatloaf and mashed potatoes
Pre-heat oven to 350F
2-3 potatoes, peeled and quartered (you'll also need a bit of milk or chicken stock, maybe 1/4 to 1/3 of a cup, and 2-3 Tbsp of butter or margarine)
1/2 lb ground beef
1/4 lb ground pork (or just use beef and sausage if you didn't buy pork)
1/3 lb sausage
1 egg
1/4 finely minced yellow onion
1 carrot, peeled and grated
1/2 C. bread crumbs (if you don't have bread crumbs you can toast 2-3 slices of regular bread and chop them up as fine as they'll go)
Katsup or BBQ sauce, 2 TBSP.
herbs, salt pepper

Put everything in a big bowl, and squish it up with your hands until it's completely mixed together. Put in a bread loaf pan, or shape like a loaf and bake on a cookie sheet. Bake for 40-50 minutes.
While meatloaf is in the oven, boil the potatoes for 20 minutes, or until soft. Drain off water, add milk and butter to potatoes and mash until fluffy. (a hand-held mixer is especially useful here, or you can use a manual masher or potato ricer.) Keep warm, and serve w/ meatloaf.




I'm not going to put a recipe for pasta w/ red sauce and meat, because I know you already know how to make that. :)


I've also got a killer recipe for apple cake, if you want it. You would need to add 2 apples and some walnuts to your list. (Assuming you have flour, sugar, brown sugar, baking soda etc.)


Good luck, and you know how to reach me if you have any questions!

Eating for the week:

Eating for the week:
So this go round with food is nothing fancy. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's all easy, comfort food for me. Every recipe I know by heart.

Beef stir fry with rice
Pasta w/ meat and tomato sauce, garlic bread
Chili and crackers
Chicken and green sauce w/ rice
Pasta w/ white beans
Meatloaf and mashed potatoes

I'm also planning on doing a bit of baking. Nothing like a warm, sweet smelling house for when the weather is gold and gray.
Apple cake w/ brown sugar frosting
Oatmeal cookies w/ chocolate and hazelnuts
Cinnamon rolls

I'm also starting to put together my Thanksgiving menu. Zoe and Greg are coming up from San Francisco to spend the holiday with us. It's a process for me. I really enjoy it though, and it gives me and excuse to spend far too much time scouring food blogs. :)

Food and NoCal, among other things

So, it's been three weeks since I've done a true grocery trip. Don't have a great reason for it, other than lots of life has happened, including James starting school and a trip to San Francisco/Napa/Sonoma Valley for me. Today's grocery run was not only a re-stocking trip (meaning I needed some staples like butter, eggs and flour), but also includes seven meals instead of five. There are also four back-up meals built in, so they aren't specifically listed on the menu, but I easily have enough ingredients to do all of them, without compromising anything on the menu.
So, on with the food:
Mock Manti: this is a greek dish with ground lamb, bowtie pasta, and a lemon-mint greek yogurt sauce
Pork and black bean pie, with sweet potato topping: actually this one is fairly self-explanatory
Tava: large cubes of beef, roasted with potatoes, tomatoes and cumin
Sausage, bean and barley soup: hot Italian sausage, red kidney beans and pearled barley
Lachmajou: seasoned ground beef (cinnamon, parsley, lemon) served on fresh baked flat-bread
Arron con pollo:Puerto Rican style chicken and rice
Curried apple and lentil dal: Indian dish, pretty self-explanatory

My back-up meals are almost always the same: pasta Bolognese, pasta ai Fagioli, chili

For baked goods I've got:
Brownie chunk cookies: think chocolate chip cookies, except with brownies instead of chocolate chips (now go ahead and think chocolate chips as well as brownies, because that's probably how I'll make them)
Old-fashioned apple cake with walnuts and brown sugar frosting
Olive, herb and parmesan breadsticks


I love Northern Cali so much. I'll be putting pictures of my trip up sometime soon. The air there smells like eucalyptus and cedar. I was able to surprise Zoe for her birthday, and we got to spend the weekend tasting wine.
It's full-on autumn here in Seattle, which means it's mostly wet and cold. There are some pretty colors, and today was sunny. (Today was actually pretty nice- chilly but dry.)
Oh, I'm getting a kitten on Monday. :) Help me think of a name? It's a small tabby female with white feet, black raccoon rings around her tail, and a black outline of her pink nose.

Menu: Sept 14

Okay, so here's the menu for the coming week:

Texas brisket chili w/ cornbread
White corn chowder
Fried chicken w/ mashed potatoes
Tuscan pork tenderloin
Lamb and butter bean stew
Pasta and meat sauce w/ garlic bread

Last week the Moroccan meatballs turned out quite nicely. The curried chicken burgers were also a success. Japanese curry was so-so, but mostly because the roux was pretty bland. We'll try it again sometime. I've become a big fan of the pasta w/ white beans, it's really easy to make and very flavorful.
Hopefully this menu isn't too ambitious.

'round the world menu: Sept 1

Last week I realized that it was starting to look like we're eating the same meals over and over again, which I suppose we are, to a degree. So I've started scouring my favorite food websites for a bigger variety of food for the week. Here's what I've come up with:

Japanese Curry w/ rice
Caribbean style grilled chicken w/ Cuban black beans and rice
Beef and potato burritos
Izmir-Kofte w/ rice
Curried chicken burgers w/ mango chutney
and the old standby...
Cappellini Bolognese and garlic bread

Note: I've not done the grocery shopping yet due to a stomach illness, but I've got the list made up, and it will fall well within the $50 target range.

Ballard Farmer's Market

Pictures here.

My Summer Vacation:

I went to Glacier National Park in Montana with Q and Matt two weeks ago: It was a lot of fun!
See the pictures here!

Artwork: Help needed!

My room at work needs art, and my boss said it was okay to hang my own photos. His wife is going to frame and mat them, very gallery style. I've got my choices narrowed down to five, but I may have to whittle to three. Please let me know which three would be best? Many thanks in advance! <3


Kaena Point (Oahu)


Temple of Heaven (China)


Space Needle (Seattle) (I have a slightly corrected version I'd be using, that doesn't have the artifacts in it.)


Lava Flow from Kiluea (Big Island)


China Walls (Oahu)

Tacoma Glass Museum

I went to the Tacoma Glass Museum with Q today. It was a fun trip, and we got to see some pretty cool glass-blowing. Enjoy!

From Tacoma Glass ...

ritasockporn.com

I've got another pair of socks to go, so there will be an addition to this sometime soon.

LIfe in general.

So, I have a bad habit of not actually writing anything real until there's so much to talk about that I end up writing a novella. In keeping with tradition, here's the blog updating you on my life.


Health:
I am still not gaining weight. I'm actually hopeful that I have a condition called Graves Disease, because it would mean that all of the health things that have been making me feel shitty for the last several months would all be due to one thing. Graves Disease is hyperthyroidism, and it's symptoms and signs include:
Weight loss
Depression
Insomnia
Mood Swings
Anxiety/Panic attacks
Rapid and/or irregular heartbeat
Nausea
Fatigue
Brittle hair
Itchy eyes due to swelling of the tissue behind the eyes
Yeah, pretty much everything I've complained about for a while now. It's pretty treatable too. So, here's hoping.

My mom told me a couple of days ago that shes having neurological problems. She falls a lot because she can't control the limbs on the right side of her body. She's broken bones in her hand, and fallen in dangerous places. She wants me to see a neurologist as well, though right now I'm less concerned about myself, and more concerned that she has a tumor or is having TIAs.
*** As an aside, and a selfish one at that, I feel like stomping my feet and throwing a temper tantrum over this. I don't even get time to recover from my father dying due to a brain injury before I have to deal with the next parent having problems with their brain that are potentially life-threatening. Don't I get time to heal? I feel like it's not fair.

Job:
I quit my job in Belltown, where I was having increasing problems with scheduling and burn-out, and started a full time job in Madrona. I like my new job a lot more. The staff there all work together to keep everything running smoothly. There's a lot of communication, and less cattiness. It's a little further away from home, and worth it. Plus, I'll be getting benes, which I haven't had in years. Woo!

Life:
It's finally summer in Seattle. I don't hate it here when the weather is nice and there is plenty of sun. We've been to a parade, to Art-topia, to a cabaret/burlesque show and numerous other things. Going to a bbq this weekend, which I'm looking forward to, as well as going to see a friend who's having a concert.
I'm getting to help with some pretty major plans, though for the time being I am not at liberty to talk about them. I'm having fun though.
James is in school, and I'm excited for him. The new GI bill passed, which means less stress over money once those benefits take effect. Less stress always equals good.
I have decided that I am for sure going to go back to school once he's done. This means I have to get some of my own financial affairs in order in the next couple of years. That means buckling down and not being frivolous with money. I am going to go to school for Pharmacy. I can't do dentistry for the rest of my working days, physically it will be impossible.

Future plans:
We may be moving to NoCal sometime in the next seven to twelve months. There are a lot of reasons to be there, both financial and personal. This is kind of a big deal, and something I'm grateful for, because I was feeling trapped in this city that I don't like and James loves. He told me if I can arrange it so that the move is as seamless and painless as possible he'll be okay with going.

Hobbies:
I'm learning how to spin yarn. Next up will be dying yarn. I'm getting better at my knitting skills. I am also working on photography, and how to use off camera lighting better. My equipment is improving, as I now have a good speedlight, a good tripod and pan head and a couple of good lenses. I need some remote triggers and a macro lens, as well as an umbrella, some clamps an umbrella stand and a monopod.


Guests:
Josh and Kym will be here for a very brief period of time in a couple of weeks. Q is coming in three weeks and will be here for two. I can't wait. We'll be going to visit Matt in Spokane, and some camping in Montana. Matt may come out to Seattle for a few days as well. Zoe and Greg will be stateside again in September, and will hopefully be up for a visit sometime after that. Keith was here a couple of weeks ago for a week, and we had a good time. Tommy may come visit, though there's no date nailed down.

And now, a picture I took last night:

You deserved something pretty for making it to the end.

Some people get junk mail.

When I got home from work there was an envelope waiting for me. It had my name, and my address on it, and nothing else. No return address, nothing to indicate where it may have come from like a postmark, nothing.

So, I open the envelope, and here's what I find:






Best. Random. Mail. EVER.



So, if you sent me socks with no return address, no note, no packing slip, nothing to indicate the origin of the socks whatsoever, thank you. I love them.

thought

".... where it snowed earlier this week. In June. I could be outraged about that, but yesterday I floated on my back in the ocean for two hours while tiny fish nipped at my toes. And then I fell asleep in the warm sand. I think this is what forgiveness is supposed to feel like."

I love the way this thought feels.

Bad Knit Girl

I never do this kind of thing, so I don't feel bad right now.







I am in a contest of sorts, to be the "June Bad Knit Girl" on this website: .

So, click on the logo, and vote for me pretty please.


The prize is a tee shirt and some bragging rights, and I really want the tee shirt.





Also, feel free to shamelessly and gratuitously repost this. If I win I'll knit you something. :)

Today

Today I would go to Kahuku.



I'd lay out with some of my favorite people in the world.




I think I'd get some salami, crackers, that fig and olive tapenade, and fruit of some sort. I'd wear my black swimsuit, and probably take the huge lime green towel. Once the sun started to go down we'd head over to Waimea for a sunset.





Finish up the day with Bangkok Chef.

2910

2,910 calories is what need to gain 1.5 lbs per week. In order to get up to 125 lbs I would need to gain for 10 weeks, conservatively.

How does one consume 2910 calories in a day?!
I've consumed roughly 1200 calories for the day, and that's high for me due to the fact that I only worked half the day. On days when I work 8 hours I don't have time to eat that much. I don't have the stomach capacity to eat huge amounts of calories when I do eat. I can not feasibly see how it will be possible to consume that much. I simply do not have the time or appetite for such a thing.

Oh, and forget anything dairy. I can't just add in a bunch of calories from milk and yogurt and such either.

The truly ironic thing is that I'm already using two of the industry (medical) standard for appetite stimulant and weight gain.


/thinking about becoming a stoner.

Lactose

Recently I discovered I'm moderately lactose intolerant. This means for the last three months I've had to pass up on all kinds of great food because of the dairy content. There are certain things I can still have, due to the very low lactose content, but generally I have found it easier to avoid dairy almost entirely. It's too hard to know how much dairy is in something I didn't make myself.

In my mind I've been toying with the idea of trying to assemble a list of foods, baked goods and such, that are lactose free. We have bakeries around here that are vegan, and gluten-free, but what I'm looking for is more of a hybrid. I still want all the flavor that eggs and butter provide. I still want the texture of wheat flour. I just don't want any milk that will put me down in bed for hours, like I've been poisoned.

Last night was a movie night at my house. (!!! :D) It was my first chance to entertain a group of people since we moved here. I really miss doing that. I made a meatloaf, mashed potatoes and a bread pudding with peach coulis. My friend Barrie brought a side dish made with bulger wheat, chick peas, and an assortment of veggies; it was really tasty. I tried my hand at a dessert with no milk, and it turned out good enough that I'm going to force the recipe on the rest of you now. ;)

With no further ado, my bread pudding recipe, sans lactose:

Lemon Spice Bread Pudding
adapted from Epicurious.com

6 cups 1-inch bread cubes with crust; I used orange bread rolls
5 tablespoons butter, melted

1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise
2 3/4 cups Almond milk
1/4 cup whipping cream
4 cardamom pods, crushed
2 whole star anise*
1 1/2 teaspoons grated lemon peel

3 large eggs
1 1/4 cups sugar
1 teaspoon salt

Peach-Lemon coulis to top

Preheat oven to 350°F. Toss bread and melted butter on large rimmed baking sheet to coat. Place bread in oven and toast until golden, tossing occasionally, about 15 minutes. Cool.

Meanwhile, scrape seeds from vanilla bean into heavy medium saucepan; add bean. Add almond milk, cream, cardamom, star anise, and lemon peel to pan and bring to simmer. Remove from heat, cover, and let steep 30 minutes. Strain.

Whisk eggs, sugar, and salt in large bowl. Gradually whisk milk mixture into egg mixture. Add bread and toss gently to combine. Cover and let stand at room temperature, stirring occasionally, at least 1 hour and up to 2 hours.

Position rack in middle of oven and preheat to 350°F. Butter casserole dish. Transfer bread mixture to prepared dish. Place casserole in larger pan, and pour water in larger pan up to the half-way point on the casserole dish. (This is called a bain marie, and it's extremely useful for dishes with eggs to keep them tender and set all the way through.) Bake until just set, about 55 minutes. Cool pudding at least 10 minutes. Serve warm or at room temperature with peach coulis.


Peach Coulis

4 ripe peaches, skins removed
juice from one lemon
sugar to taste (balance out the acid)

cut peaches from pit, place in blender. Juice on lemon in with peaches. Add sugar sparingly until mixture isn't too tart. Puree' until smooth. Transfer to stovetop and reduce some, make sure sugar is completely dissolved and everything is smooth.

Optional: Finish with small pat of butter.

Updates:

Dad's memorial service:
Saturday, May 3 in Omaha, NE at Forrest Lawn funeral home
James and I are flying into KC on Friday morning, and driving with my brother, sister-in-law and friend of the family up to Omaha. We are doing what's called a second internment, which is to say his ashes will be buried. They will be buried on my grandmother's gravesite, and his name will be added to the headstone. We are having a memorial dinner/party in his honor at his closest friends' home following the service.
I'm actually looking forward to this for the closure, as well as the opportunity to see a lot of people I haven't seen before. I also feel like my father deserves to be honored, and I'm glad it's happening.

This is also the first time James will meet anyone in my family, as well as friends in KC. We'll be seeing Kim first, then to Joe's in the evening where we will be staying the night. Saturday we go to Omaha, and when we get back to town we'll be going to Molly and Dave's place where we'll stay the night and most of the day Sunday. Sunday evening we'll head to Josh and Kym's house where we'll be staying until Monday. Monday is coffee with Nate and a flight home. There's not much by the way of free time, but I'm so looking forward to spending time with everyone.

Panic attacks:
Getting better. I thank everyone who gave advice. I'm actually employing a fair number of the suggestions, and they are less frequent and shorter in duration.

Weight:
I'm trying to gain weight. Every time I have stress I lose my appetite and lose weight (which I don't have to lose). I am sick and tired of looking like an anorexic. I'm trying to force myself to eat more often, and high calorie foods. I'm also becoming more cognizant of the familial aspect of heart disease. Every person in my family who has died has died of a stroke. My uncle had one a couple of weeks ago. It didn't kill him, but the writing seems to be on the proverbial wall. Just because my frame doesn't show my horrible dietary habits doesn't mean they don't exist. I eat far too much junk. I need to work on a somewhat more heart healthy diet. Exercise is also going to be required.

Work:
Work goes well. My employer seems to genuinely like having me there. I have three days (most of the time) in the Belltown office, and one day a week at the One Union Square office. This second job amuses me, my co-worker is a Hawaii local and knows a ton of people I used to work with. The doctor hates me, but is so outnumbered by the staff who love me, and his wife who loves me, that he ended up giving me the job despite his dislike. (I have tattoos, and refused to take out my nose ring during my working interview.)

Knitting:
This is a huge part of my life right now. It's almost my sole source of social contact, and I'm getting pretty good at it. Maybe one day I actually will own a yarn store.

Hiking:
I haven't done it since I left Hawaii and I miss it terribly. More the actual movement I miss my friends that I hiked with. The conversations on hikes were almost always the most entertaining. (Except when we hike uphill and I'm too out of breath to breathe, much less talk.)

Home:
I put up pictures of my apartment. I'm getting a new bed tomorrow. I now need visitors, so I will be begin scheduling the flood of people who are dying to come stay with us for a few days. Annnnnd.... GO! (Not kidding people, come visit already.)

Oh, I'm also not bad at the guitar on Rock Band. :)

Where I live.

My friend Patrick asked for some photos of my apartment here in Seattle. I try to be obliging, so here they are.

Now Showing:

It all started with The Sopranos.

James and I have been making our way through TV series on DVD. We haven't gotten cable here, and probably won't get it. Generally neither of us watch enough TV to justify the cost. However, since we have yet to form much of a social life (it IS getting better) we pass time with stuff we've downloaded or rented from Scarecrow. It's getting harder to come up with worthwhile stuff to watch, so now I'm looking for recommendations.
Here's a quick rundown of what we've watched so far:
The Sopranos
The Wire
The Corner (miniseries)
Jericho
Life on Mars (BBC)
Ashes to Ashes (BBC)
Dexter
Weeds (we're only into the first part of season one)

We're starting Six Feet Under tonight, which Quest has assured me I'll love so much my brain will fall out. I hope he's right, because there's at least four seasons out, which will take a bit of time to get through.

What other shows are worth watching?

Help Wanted:

We got a dog. He is terrified of us, has never had any human socialization, and came from a puppy mill that had over 300 dogs. We kind of have our work cut out for us. (We got him from a rescue.) First things first, he needs a name. James and I have tossed around a few ideas, but I thought I’d run it by everyone else, and see what turns up.

He is 5lbs, and 8 months old. He probably won’t get any bigger.
(I’m such a sucker for dogs with eyebrows!)

Science

How well would you do in an 8th grade science class?
Test.


An aside, there’s not much biology, which would stand to reason I guess; I don’t remember much biology or genetics until 9th grade. If there had been more I think my score would have been much higher. I am impressed at the amount of testing on global warming and thought behind renewable energy. Much more than when I was in junior high.

So, here’s how I did:




Entirely unrelated:
Thanks for the letter Zoe, it was a welcome way to start the day.

The Year of Magical Thinking

So, I just finished reading this book "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion, at the recommendation of my doctor. The woman who wrote this book lost a lot more than I did. She lost her husband of forty years in about as much time as takes to say it. Her daughter was in the ICU at the time, in a very precarious position as well. She endured more stress than any one person should ever have to.

I learned some interesting things from this book. Some of what I've been feeling since my dad died makes a bit more sense to me, and I feel less crazy knowing that I'm not the only one thinking some of the thoughts that have run through my head. However, something that I took from the book, which I'm sure wasn't the intent at all, was that getting close to people will surely result in mind-numbing pain.

Kinda fucked up.

There's part of me that is searching for something to point a finger at James over, so I can run in the other direction, so I don't end up hurting like this over him. I've already done it, in a sense, to my friends in Hawaii. I did it to my family.

I knew six years ago when my dad had his stroke that his death was eminent. I hate saying that. I hate admitting that I ran partly because I knew I wasn't going to deal well when he was gone. I hate everything that it says about me. I feel like something in my brain is broken right now, and I would give anything to fix it. I don't want to distance myself from the people that love me. I don't want so much anxiety that I have panic attacks at work, and end up locked in the bathroom hyperventilating. I don't want to feel sick every time I eat a few bites of anything.

I wonder though; how much loss can a person take before they break entirely. What made Joan Didion strong enough to bear the loss of her other half with no warning at all? Did she feel like her mind was broken? Does she feel now like it's mending? These are things I wish I could ask her. In her book, there were things she couldn't bring herself to do because it made her husband being gone real. She couldn't throw out his shoes, she couldn't turn the page in his dictionary, in case he would need to know the last thing he looked up. I'm being pushed to make decisions about a memorial service and wake for my father. Even though he's gone, and my brother has his ashes, I think perhaps having a memorial service will mean he's gone for real. It will mean I have to delete his email address from my list. It will mean I should delete his phone number from my phone.

I know in my head that he's gone. I just wonder how long before I don't feel quite so broken inside over it.

PIctures

Obituary

My father's remains were cremated on Friday. I think I'll be flying out to be with my brother and his family on Thursday evening or Friday morning of this week. I think I need it for me more than he needs me there. It will be the first time James will meet my family. Kinda sucky circumstances, and one of my few regrets with regards to my father is that he and James never got to spend any time together.

This will be going into the paper in Portales, NM, and Omaha, NE. I wrote it at the request of my Aunt Debbie, and I've had a lot of people proofread it now. I suppose mostly I'm putting it here for my own purposes.

"Thomas Paul Husted passed away on February 19, 2008, at the age of 51. He died of a stroke in Lubbock, Texas while visiting his brother. Tom was born to John Husted and June Husted York on March 18, 1956 in Omaha, Nebraska. He lived his childhood and early adult years in Nebraska, and moved with his family to Kansas in 1985. His final move was to Hot Springs, Arkansas, to be near his grandsons. Tom is survived by his daughter Rita Husted Scott, his son Michael Husted, his older brother Harold Walrath, his two older sisters Deborah Wyscarver and Kristine Lemmon, and three grandsons, Dillon, Carter and Morgan, as well as extended family and many close friends. His ashes will remain in the care of his immediate family. Memorial donations may be sent to the American Diabetes Association in honor of Thomas Husted."

Dad

Dear Dad,
I am going to miss you so much. I know you understand how much I love you, and I know you understood why I left. I just wish I could have been there, I wish I could have protected you- even if from yourself.
You taught me so much. I got my coffee habit from you. I remember as a kid watching you and mom drink coffee everyday and thinking how I would never do that. Now, as I sit here drinking my coffee there's a part of me that smiles, even through my tears. I learned how to do the right thing from you, even when it's not always the easiest thing to do. I learned how to be snarky and sarcastic from you, and I inheireted my love of folk music from you.
I hope you know how much I enjoyed those nights that we sat out on your deck with the music a bit too loud and just talked. I loved our trips for Ice Cream, and I love you so much for supporting my decision to move thousands of miles away, even though it meant leaving you behind.
Thank you for helping me to design that poster for the school carnival when I was in fourth grade, it totally should have won. Thank you for walking me down the aisle when I got married, and for letting me sleep at your house when I got divorced. Thank you for being my patient when I was in school and was going to get an F for the day. Thank you for every time you've saved my ass. I am so sorry that you never got to meet James, you would enjoy his company so much, you two are birds of the same feather.
I could fill a book with good memories, and I love that. Thank you for being such a good friend. I love you so much.

With more love than you can imagine,
Your daughter and friend

Interesting

I think it's kind of interesting that I've lived in:
The land of Oz (Kansas)
The rainbow state (Hawaii)
The Emerald City (Seattle, WA)

Maybe I should have been named Dorothy; or I deserve a pair of ruby slippers at the very least.



If you could only have 10 CD's for the rest of all time, what would they be?

Give Up from The Postal Service
Discovery from Daft Punk
Those are two of mine. I don't actually have a whole list compiled yet, but I'm pretty sure those would both be on it.

The Emerald City

James and I have been in Seattle for a week now. We found an apartment the day after we got here, which has been both a huge blessing and a gigantic pain in the ass, as new apartments generally are. The apartment has pretty much everything we wanted, gas stove, bathtub, two bedrooms, fireplace, and pets are allowed. Street parking for now, but so far that's been pretty easy, unlike Honolulu. I'll put some pictures up once our stuff arrives- we've even got a view of Puget Sound and the Olympic mountains. I think once summer rolls around we'll have a great place, it has a HUGE balcony that will be so awesome for eating dinner on. (Parties too, if we ever make any friends.)

I've been offered several jobs so far, but I think I'll ultimately end up taking one in Queen Anne. James has had a couple of job interviews, and one that seems pretty promising at Progressive Tech. We're completely without furniture or internet in our place. We come down to the coffee shop in our building to drink coffee and steal internet. Actually, everyone here has been pretty great, they even send food home with us at the end of the day.

I miss Hawaii. It's impossible to miss anytime someone asks me about Hawaii, I light up and talk almost non-stop. I think that will get easier, but I am awfully homesick right now. Q and Matt are talking about a spring break adventure reunion here, which would be extremely cool. (This is open to anyone who wants to come, so long as you don't mind sleeping on floorspace in our apartment.) Of course I miss the weather, and the sun, but mostly I just miss my friends.


I got a cold as soon as we got here, but it resolved pretty quickly. Now James has one. We get internet on Monday, so today and tomorrow should be it in terms of extremely slow boring weekends. I'll start getting paid next week, which means the end of this being as broke as two people can possibly be. We may even have enough money by next weekend to buy a bed! It was almost 50 degrees today, which really isn't bad unless the wind is blowing. If it's nice again tomorrow I want to go out and take some pictures.


We live about a mile and a half from the Space Needle, for anyone who was wondering, though we haven't actually gone over there yet.

Friends

I was at the bookstore yesterday with Q and James, and reality came crashing through like a block of ice. Tonight is the last night I will be seeing any of my friends here in Honolulu. I get on a plane tomorrow at 2, and leave here.

Last Saturday James, Miles and I got a going away party. It was supposed to be a surprise- and even though I figured out that there were going to be a bunch of people over for dinner, I had no idea to what extent it had been planned. It wasn't a thrown together at the last minute party.

Pat made dinner, a mac nut crusted ahi with rice. He allowed me to contribute a homemade mango chutney, and it was a fantastic meal. Lowell and Q brought a big cake made up of chocolate cupcakes, and Q also brought me a pumpkin pie. Jordan brought wine, Devaki brought a homemade pumpkin crunch dessert. Tray, Alex and Seth were here also. Tray had to leave for a class, but came back after it. We played Uno and Celebrity Head, and spent the whole evening laughing and talking. They gave us two cards that everyone signed, and everyone chipped on on a going away gift as well. Even now it's hard to come up with the words that express how thankful I am to have such amazing friends.

I have pictures, but no good way to get at them, so once I'm all settled in Seattle I'll put some up. I'm sure at that point I'll be really good and homesick as well, so probably some long soppy blog will accompany them.

Tonight is the last night though. It freaks me out a bit. These people, my friends- the ones I would do anything for- they are the ones that supported me when James was gone. They have provided innumerable hours of support, love, fun, and adventures. Tonight isn't the last time I'll see them, but it's the last time I'll be close enough to any of them to just drop in, or send out a text for a Thai food partner. The physical location of Seattle isn't the scary part of moving, it's the removal of myself from all of these dear, amazing people in my life.

So, to each one of you: Quest, Patrick, Tracy, Lowell, Alex, Jordan, Miles, Devaki- to Zoe and Greg, who aren't here, but certainly fall squarely into this category- Thank you all from the very bottom of my heart. I love each and every one of you, and will miss you all like crazy.